Not Pregnant

Oh well. I think I took it rather well. I cried a little, then went to work as usual. I might have indulged in too much chocolate and cheese. No alcohol whatsoever, which is surprising because I was planning on at least one glass of wine that evening, but in the end went for more chocolate instead. Today I had my period.

I do feel as if the world were against me. I am easily irritated or offended. I have to think things twice at all times before reacting or replying in every situation, because deep down I know it's just the depression coloring my perceptions. I am proud of myself for being able to notice it. Still, it takes a constant effort not to blow up.

I should have called Dr. Careful to make a baseline appointment and order more drugs, but I didn't. I can't just move ahead without digesting this failure first. The idea of wasting another month does not bother me. In contrast, the idea of starting another round of injections does.

I wish I had seen Dr. Funny after the test. I will  see him in two weeks, but I am thinking of calling him and letting him know what happened.

On my own

Did I mention that Dr. Funny went on vacation? I basically moved to a new house, underwent ten days of FSH injections, an  IUI, and am now approaching the end of the two week wait without the support of my therapist.

He was really worried and left all sorts of contact numbers for me before leaving. I told him I'd be fine. He knew better.

See, I am a crazy person. Not the kind of crazy person you find talking to themselves on a street corner but nevertheless crazy. Crazy, as in hurts-herself-when-she's-depressed crazy.

There. I said it. I am not proud of it and I hide the fact as much as I can. But if I cannot be honest here, where, then? Just don't leave any stupid comments about how this totally makes me unfit to be a mother.

I've been pretty good at not hurting myself. Sadly, these days that is the only positive thought I can come up with. Because the rest of my thoughts tend to wander into the many possible ways there are of hurting myself, plus some other not so gloomy but still pretty depressing things. And you're going to say: "Don't do that! Don't think those thoughts!" and I am going to answer that yes, I know I should not do it, but the harder you try not to think about something the more it creeps into your mind.

Anyway, I am really glad that Dr. Funny is back, and that I am seeing him tomorrow.

I want this to be over, whatever the outcome.

Schrödinger's Pregnancy

In case you've forgotten your quantum physics, there's this thing about how the act of measurement causes a probability to "collapse". In other words, when observed, an object is forced to take one state or another. This works rather well with electrons, who behave as a particle when you're looking for particles, but behave as waves when you're looking for waves.

Erwin Schrödinger came up with a theoretical experiment with everyday objects instead of quantum particles. In this case, a cat in a sealed box with some radioactive material and a geiger counter connected to a hammer, which in turn was placed above a vial of poisonous gas. I know, even if theoretical, it's totally sadistic. That, plus, he obviously did not own a cat. Any given cat would not stay still inside a box just waiting for the hammer to drop on the poison by itself. No, a regular cat would be frantically jumping and scratching and would probably break the vial long before any atomic particle had the opportunity to decay in order to trigger the hammer.

But I digress. During his stay in the box, the cat existed in an unknowable state. If an atom decayed, the Geiger counter would trigger the hammer, breaking the vial and killing the cat. But if no atom decayed during the cat's stay in the box, the cat would be alive. Since it could not be observed, it could not be said whether the cat was alive or dead. It existed instead in the state of both life AND death, just as electrons are both a wave AND a particle until you bother finding out which.

Then there's the interesting postulate of the "many worlds". According to it, when you open the box, the probability does not collapse into one of the two possibilities. Instead the universe branches, and in one world the cat is alive and in the other one the cat is dead. Neat, no?

So, here I am, halfway through the 2ww, in my own little quantum box, waiting for the universe to split and hoping I end up in the right world, where I am, in fact, pregnant.

Random thoughts during 2ww

1) I went way beyond the limit on my cell phone plan. Mostly because of calls to and from contractors and movers. I feel very stupid about it.
2) Our rent deposit came back. They only deducted $170 for cleaning. Not bad, considering that the old dog gradually became incontinent, or that the yellow dog came to us not yet housebroken. I had also broken a door (it was a flimsy door! Not my fault!) and had used many anchors on the drywall.
3) The yellow dog is getting a haircut this Friday. I usually groom her myself but I just don't have the energy and she's beginning to look like a raggy mop.
4) I saw a teenager riding his bike with no helmet, and no hands! And I felt very sorry for his mother, thinking she might have done three IUIs and nine IVFs just to bring this kid to this world.
5) Something hacked my yahoo mail account and sent six spam emails in less than a minute, each one of them to multiple recipients. I reset my password but I still feel violated and insecure.
6) It's nice to have a garden, but I have snails and mites. I have a lot of poisonous chemicals in the garage left by the previous owner but I am very afraid of them.

7) I ordered a composter from Home Depot. The spouse doubts my ability to turn food scraps and yard waste into compost. I felt very confident that after so many years of dealing with bacteria in bioreactors I'd be fine.  I also felt very confident that I was going to be able to assemble it on my own, but ended up requesting the spouse's help. Which of course eroded  my confidence.
8) I am grateful for all the book recommendations. My library has a few, and I can get others through inter-library loan. Only one of them was immediately available but, since it deals with miscarriage, and miscarriage is one of the thoughts I am trying to stay away from, I'll save that one until later.
9) I started a lace shawl, because lace requires lots of concentration and it does not allow my mind wander into negative thoughts. Unfortunately it does not allow me to read or watch movies while I knit, either.
10) I am peeing a lot. Which does not mean much. It's finally Summer int he Bay Area and I am drinking way too much water. Or maybe I am having another UTI. Or maybe, just maybe, I am pregnant.

Any good reads?

I appreciate the suggestions I got for trying to get distracted during this time and am also grateful for the good wishes. I am trying my best not to think much of the outcome of this procedure, though the cramping makes it hard not to think about the procedure itself.

I cannot find much information, but it seems that artificial insemination was specifically developed for cows. I wonder if anyone has bothered writing a book on the history of ARTs. It should make an interesting read.

There's plenty of books on ART on Amazon, I've read a few of them. Or attempted to read them, given that many of them are written in the so patronizing way of self-help books that I try to avoid at all costs.Truth be told, there is no book out there on ART that I have found helpful. Except for the description of the treatments available, none of them seems to really talk to me. I read them and I feel like the authors are talking to someone else, some woman who will actually achieve motherhood, no matter what. And, forgive the negativity, but I yearn for a book that tells me that it is all right if I don't get there. These days I am reading Do I Want to Be a Mom? by Diana Dell. The spouse commented that it's kind of late to be reading that, since the IUI is done already.

And yet I find the book appealing. It explores the many aspects of motherhood that at some point or another have caused different women to worry about the decision. The decision was made for us many years ago: We definitely want to be parents. But reading all these different opinions reaffirms my decision and at the same tame allows me to appreciate what being child free would entail.

Does anyone have a good book to recommend?

It's done

The IUI took place this morning. I finally found an appropriate name for the not so new RE: Dr. Careful. Not only has she always been very careful with the vaginal ultrasound transducer, she was also extra careful today with the speculum.

She had troubles getting the cannula through my cervix (to the left! to the left!) and warned me I might bleed, but I didn't.

The cramping though, that could not be helped. I cramped about the same as I did with my previous IUIs with Dr. Mediocre.

And here's one more aspect where Dr. Careful is being extra-careful when Dr. Mediocre wasn't: She is prescribing baby aspirin and progesterone suppositories. I know, yuck, but still, anything that helps is welcome.

So here I am, embarking into my 2ww, trying not to think about it too much.

What do you do when you do not want to think about something? What helps?

Yahoo is evil

I've wasted a lot of time with yahoo's ad interest manager trying to avoid baby themed ads each time I check my mail. Bottomline: it cannot be done. I can tell them what categories I am interested in, which ones I am not interested in (like family and children) but not what I want to avoid at all costs.

These days I am, of course, thinking of baby, but not too much, as I know very well that getting my hopes up will translate in deeper pain if this cycle does not work out. Having yahoo welcome me with this ad was definitely not helpful.

 

Please understand that I am not a mommy-or-baby-phobic. When I check my facebook account, I do so knowing that I will be met by lots of pictures of other people's kids and babies. And it's OK, those are my friends' kids. I love my friends and I celebrate their families, and am happy to see those kids because I have a connection with them. But having cute and unexpected babies popping into my screen when I don't expect them is not cool. Plus, as much as I agree with pampers in that every baby should be celebrated, supported and protected, it only made me very sad to think that I never had the chance to celebrate, support and/or protect my own babies.

Progress...

Only one follicle continued to grow. I repeat to myself that one is enough. The trigger is this evening, the IUI on Thursday, plus scheduled intercourse to increase our chances. I hate scheduling these things. We try to pretend we don't mind but we do.

I also hate missing work and not being able to explain why. And I hate not having internet at home and having to sneak in early at work so I can post from here, and still feel guilty about it.

Oh, the negativity. I don't know if it's the artificial hormones, stress or what.

Still growing

I'm still posting from the library. For some reason, I was unable to leave comments last time I was here. Or maybe it was a blogger glitch.

I had my second scan yesterday and the three follicles are growing, though now only one of them shows any promise. Still, one is enough. I have my next scan tomorrow.

If all goes well I could have the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday... wish me luck!

Three follicles

I still have no internet at home. I am posting this from the library, and the picture was quite a challenge. I had my first scan today, and it showed a total of three promising follicles and, as usual, a bunch of tiny cysts. The doctor dedided to keep me going at the current dose. I'll be seen again this Saturday.

There's plenty of things that went wrong with the move, and that are wrong with the new house, but am very happy about having moved. No more stairs! No more hauling laundry across a parking lot! But the truth is, it is those three follicles who keep me smiling.