Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I was asked if I might want to talk to a couple that had  lost their twin babies in their second trimester.

I did not want to talk to them, but I felt I had to. We come from the same country and speak the same language. I wish I had had someone to talk to in my own language when I went through infertility and miscarriage. And so, I went and talked to them. It did not feel good. It was sad and discouraging and overall extremely depressing, but they seemed to be grateful I was there for them, listening, sharing and crying with them.

Unlike me, they are citizens, and are legally allowed to adopt. But they decided to try foster care first. This was before their attempt at IVF that resulted in pregnancy and miscarriage.

Well, foster care did not work out for them. They got a five year old with fetal alcohol syndrome who was extremely violent and difficult to deal with. They were constantly pestered by their three social workers, each with a particular point of view and interests. They found it extremely hard to keep up with the state's expectations on the child's care and what they were actually able to provide with the stipend they were given. They needed a tutor and a babysitter, and the child needed constant appointments with doctors, nutritionists, speech therapists etc, all of them exerting pressure on the couple, setting up goals that were unattainable and making them feel under too much pressure. After a few months, the state decided to give the birth mother yet another chance and the child was taken away from them. In spite of all the problems this child had brought into their lives, their hearts were broken, and they decided never to do it again.

And so, they moved on to IVF.

I did not know what to say. But then, there is nothing you can say that can cheer anyone up after a story like this. At least that much I know.