I met again with my faraway friend. I'm very lucky that she keeps coming to the Bay Area. She's even planning to return! I hope she does. This time, another friend we have in common also had dinner with us. It was difficult to schedule because, in addition to being a mother, she works full time.
A lot of our conversation revolved around marriage. We all got married at different ages, under different circumstances, but we all agree that marriage requires a lot of work on both sides to keep it going. At some point, the one who is actually a mother said it was kind of miraculous that the spouse and I are still together after all we've been through.
What can I say? I married a chess player. He's used to losing battles and moving onto the next one. Me? I am a knitter. When a project is not turning out as planned, I rip it down and start again.
Is that what keeps us going?
Showing posts with label knitting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label knitting. Show all posts
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Friday, August 12, 2011
Chemo Caps
Often when I was knitting them I forgot that I was in the middle of a two week wait. Funny how tragedies put things in perspective.
A friend asked me how I was feeling. I thought she meant how I felt about my sister's cancer. But no, she wanted to know whether I felt pregnant or not.
How the heck do I know? My body does not speak to me. I have missed symptoms of pregnancy and blamed them on a UTI. I have also had imaginary pregnacy symptoms that have caused me a lot of grief and disappointment. I still prefer the Schrödinger's cat metaphor. I did not bother explaining it, saying that I avoid thinking about it as much as I can.
Monday, May 16, 2011
No septum!
That is the good news. There is, however, a small indentation on the top of my uterus. The new RE insists this is not a problem and we should go ahead with the next cycle.
But first, we need the spouse to get tested for a bunch of infectious diseases, that is California law. How then, is it that Dr. Mediocre performed two IUI's and scheduled another three without ever getting the spouse tested? One more point against him.
Not that we have anything to worry about. We've been tested over and over thanks to immigration tramits.
I took two vicodins before the hysterosonogram. I cramped a little bit, and right now I have some mild discomfort, but nothing like the torture I underwent during and after the hysterosalpingogram. I will never know if the pain level is different for those two procedures or if the vicodin made the difference.
Or maybe it was the socks. This particular pair always cheers me up.
But first, we need the spouse to get tested for a bunch of infectious diseases, that is California law. How then, is it that Dr. Mediocre performed two IUI's and scheduled another three without ever getting the spouse tested? One more point against him.
Not that we have anything to worry about. We've been tested over and over thanks to immigration tramits.
I took two vicodins before the hysterosonogram. I cramped a little bit, and right now I have some mild discomfort, but nothing like the torture I underwent during and after the hysterosalpingogram. I will never know if the pain level is different for those two procedures or if the vicodin made the difference.
Or maybe it was the socks. This particular pair always cheers me up.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Have you ever...
Been pregnant? Had a miscarriage? And so on and on... I hate those medical questionnaires. The spouse and I were filling ours out, and at some point he said out loud: "Have you ever experienced seizures or convulsions? Well, only when filling out these forms."
I dream of a medical passport that contains your whole medical history. You just hand it in and they can have access to your medical misfortunes without you having to be reminded of them.
But it's over. I had my first appointment with the new RE thanks to a last minute cancellation. She seemed very thorough and also willing to listen. The timing was perfect. I was going to have my first birth control pill of the cycle this evening, so they were able to do the bloodwork today (ouch, 11 test tubes). And, since I am starting again on the pill, they had more freedom to schedule a hysterosonogram. She had access to my hysterosalpingogram and the MRI that they performed last year after the miscarriage, and she agrees that my uterus is heart-shaped and that there does not seem to be a septum dividing it. But she wants to get a better idea of what's going on.
Funny, she said at some point that I have all symptoms for PCOS except ovarian cysts. I had to remind her that I do get ovarian cysts regularly, and the only reason I did not have them today was thanks to three months of BCP. I hope she's not the kind of doctor who forgets things and you have to remind them to her over and over.
Anyway, the important thing is: No cysts! Yay!
Oh, and I decided not to go with the blue-gray socks. Even if they had some specks of colors, they were not loud enough. I wore these ones instead:
I dream of a medical passport that contains your whole medical history. You just hand it in and they can have access to your medical misfortunes without you having to be reminded of them.
But it's over. I had my first appointment with the new RE thanks to a last minute cancellation. She seemed very thorough and also willing to listen. The timing was perfect. I was going to have my first birth control pill of the cycle this evening, so they were able to do the bloodwork today (ouch, 11 test tubes). And, since I am starting again on the pill, they had more freedom to schedule a hysterosonogram. She had access to my hysterosalpingogram and the MRI that they performed last year after the miscarriage, and she agrees that my uterus is heart-shaped and that there does not seem to be a septum dividing it. But she wants to get a better idea of what's going on.
Funny, she said at some point that I have all symptoms for PCOS except ovarian cysts. I had to remind her that I do get ovarian cysts regularly, and the only reason I did not have them today was thanks to three months of BCP. I hope she's not the kind of doctor who forgets things and you have to remind them to her over and over.
Anyway, the important thing is: No cysts! Yay!
Oh, and I decided not to go with the blue-gray socks. Even if they had some specks of colors, they were not loud enough. I wore these ones instead:
Thursday, April 28, 2011
To BCP or not to BCP
I got myself a new RE. I did not make an appointment well in advance, as I should have. And so, she will not see me until this BCP cycle is over.My fault, really. I should have hurried up, but alas, I've been very busy with the new house (it's ours now!) and preparing the move, so I kept that in the back burner and now... well. Another wasted month. OK, NOT wasted, NOT wasted, we're in recovery, we needed a break, we needed to think things through, etc.
I thought really hard about whether or not to continue taking BCP for another cycle while I wait for the appointment. I function better when I take them, but I do not want to jeopardize any tests or what I hope will be a following ART cycle.
And then, for that same reason, I don't want to give my ovaries another chance to develop cysts. I am really crossing my fingers and hoping that the cysts will be gone by now. Staying on the pill will certainly prevent more cysts from forming.
Luckily, I don't have to go to Dr. Mediocre for another BCP prescription. Back in January he prescribed the usual 12 refills. The antidepressants are another issue entirely: My prescription runs out really soon. I started tapering myself off with Dr. Funny's approval.
And in the meantime, to cheer myself up, I made a pair of socks to wear at my next RE appointment:
Due to socks being the only item of clothing one can wear from the waist down while riding the stirrups, I like really clownish and colorful ones. They make me feel a little bit less exposed.
Monday, April 11, 2011
What love makes us do
We're still waiting to hear from the seller regarding the termites. Meanwhile, I finished the first project with some of the yarn I got in February. It's a hat for the spouse that he requested a long time ago.
Now the spouse is very understanding when it comes to dealing with my stash and random projects lying around our place, but he understands very little about knitting. He wanted a very thin hat (thus thin yarn, thin needles and hundreds of stitches) with a chess theme, but he wanted the hat knit in only one color. How do you provide contrast for the figures to stand out? I did my best. From this angle, you can barely see the bishop and the knight. The other four figures are distributed evenly around his head and they are as difficult to figure out as these two.
I was unhappy about making this hat from the very beginning, mainly because of the extremely thin yarn, but love made me finish it. He seems unhappy about the final results, but love makes him wear it with no complaints.
I was unhappy about making this hat from the very beginning, mainly because of the extremely thin yarn, but love made me finish it. He seems unhappy about the final results, but love makes him wear it with no complaints.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The spoils
Only when we were leaving, as we crossed again the halls of the convention center, was I reminded of the bleeding episode that sent me to bed rest a year ago. And, because we were leaving, the sadness did not last long.
So here you see a bunch of yarn. It will eventually translate into a shawl, a tank top, three hats, five pairs of socks, two pairs of mittens and one big unknown that I just could not resist because it was cheap and beautiful. I am talking about the hank in the bottom, the one that is blue with a little purple in it. It's rayon, and there is enough in it for a tank top, a shawl, or a scarf.
Please note the absence of baby colors (well, there's the turquoise blue, but that's for my mother). I have enforced a moratorium on knitting baby items. The last baby item I knitted was delivered four months after the baby was born, and it was a mere bib, which shows that I am not even good at finishing baby items anymore.
Some people say that knitting an item for a loved one is like saying "I love you" with every stitch. That's a lot of "I love you's".
When you're infertile and you're knitting a baby item, what you're saying with every stitch could be "When will it be my turn?", "Why was it so easy for them?", "When will I knit something for my own baby?" And so on. It's very unhealthy and I am done with it.
So, I don't care who gets pregnant next, she'll get a $2.00 walmart fleece.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Not a cook
Today I am going to Stitches West, bringing empty shopping bags and my credit card, ready to splurge in expensive and exotic yarns and have a good time.
A lot of people that have known me throughout the years did not know I was a knitter. But I knitted a lace shawl once that really made me proud, so I posted it on Facebook. I am still getting comments on it two years later, as I add people to my friends list.
A friend asked: "Is there anything you cannot do?"
"Gestate a live child", would have been my answer of choice. But it would have been too gloomy. So I replied instead that I cannot cook, which is kind of true.
I love food, but I have serious ingredient issues, not only because of carbohydrates. In general I stay away from too many things people add to their food everyday. For example, I don't have sugar or flour at home, which is not surprising given my carbohydrate intake. But the only oil you find in my home is olive oil. No shortening, no butter, no margarine. I have no bread, no mayo, no ketchup. I bought salt, and a salt shaker, two years ago, when my parents came to visit. Before then I did not have either at home. I still have the same container. It must be all caked by now.
I ruin every recipe by substituting with "healthier" ingredients. A soup needs to be thickened with flour? I add ground flaxseed instead. A flan needs two cups of sugar? I use a tablespoon of honey. The recipe for meatballs calls for bread crumbs? I use chia seeds. Refried beans should be prepared with lard, but I use olive oil.
It's funny that whenever someone else is cooking I eat the real thing with gusto, but am unable to do the same at home.
Then again, I cook my own lunch and bring it to work everyday, and I cook my own dinner (except when we eat out, about twice per week). I have kept a BMI of 23 for four years since I started with my low carb obsession. So maybe I am not such a bad cook.
Still can't gestate a live child, though.
A lot of people that have known me throughout the years did not know I was a knitter. But I knitted a lace shawl once that really made me proud, so I posted it on Facebook. I am still getting comments on it two years later, as I add people to my friends list.
A friend asked: "Is there anything you cannot do?"
"Gestate a live child", would have been my answer of choice. But it would have been too gloomy. So I replied instead that I cannot cook, which is kind of true.
I love food, but I have serious ingredient issues, not only because of carbohydrates. In general I stay away from too many things people add to their food everyday. For example, I don't have sugar or flour at home, which is not surprising given my carbohydrate intake. But the only oil you find in my home is olive oil. No shortening, no butter, no margarine. I have no bread, no mayo, no ketchup. I bought salt, and a salt shaker, two years ago, when my parents came to visit. Before then I did not have either at home. I still have the same container. It must be all caked by now.
I ruin every recipe by substituting with "healthier" ingredients. A soup needs to be thickened with flour? I add ground flaxseed instead. A flan needs two cups of sugar? I use a tablespoon of honey. The recipe for meatballs calls for bread crumbs? I use chia seeds. Refried beans should be prepared with lard, but I use olive oil.
It's funny that whenever someone else is cooking I eat the real thing with gusto, but am unable to do the same at home.
Then again, I cook my own lunch and bring it to work everyday, and I cook my own dinner (except when we eat out, about twice per week). I have kept a BMI of 23 for four years since I started with my low carb obsession. So maybe I am not such a bad cook.
Still can't gestate a live child, though.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day 44
With all the recent excitement I kind of neglected this issue. I am still awaiting my period. I know I should call Dr. Mediocre but I kind of want to put that off as much as I can. Plus, do I really want to see him ever again? Not really.
I also need to see the urologist for a follow up. Maybe he'll have some ideas, or as a minimum recommend someone else...
As for the knitting event, I have not bought my ticket yet. Instead, I spoke to L, whom I met last Summer through HAND. She also happens to be a knitter and is happy to come with me. So now I have to buy tickets for both of us.
I feel a bit uneasy. What if I am unhappy and want to leave early? Will I be spoiling the fun for her? On the other hand, I believe she is the one person that will totally understand me if that happens.
I also need to see the urologist for a follow up. Maybe he'll have some ideas, or as a minimum recommend someone else...
As for the knitting event, I have not bought my ticket yet. Instead, I spoke to L, whom I met last Summer through HAND. She also happens to be a knitter and is happy to come with me. So now I have to buy tickets for both of us.
I feel a bit uneasy. What if I am unhappy and want to leave early? Will I be spoiling the fun for her? On the other hand, I believe she is the one person that will totally understand me if that happens.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Decisions, decisions
I am a knitter. I have other hobbies, but knitting has been an ongoing thing since I was 13. Every year I go to this event.
Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding in the middle of one of the knitting classes. I went to see my doctor immediately and they found out that the subchorionic hematoma that had been detected earlier had grown much larger. Less than a month later I miscarried.
This year I did not bother to sign up, not wanting to ever be there again.
Dr. Funny insists I should go. It's too late to sign up for classes, but he wants me to go to the "Market" anyway and buy lots of yarn and supplies. Then I should go sit near the conference rooms where the classes are held and pull out my purchases, admire them and be happy about them. He says I should not let my miscarriage ruin the good things in my life. And I know he is right. So everyday I visit the website, browse around, read about the few classes still available, the merchants that will be there, and think how much fun it is going to be.
But I have not bought my ticket yet.
Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding in the middle of one of the knitting classes. I went to see my doctor immediately and they found out that the subchorionic hematoma that had been detected earlier had grown much larger. Less than a month later I miscarried.
This year I did not bother to sign up, not wanting to ever be there again.
Dr. Funny insists I should go. It's too late to sign up for classes, but he wants me to go to the "Market" anyway and buy lots of yarn and supplies. Then I should go sit near the conference rooms where the classes are held and pull out my purchases, admire them and be happy about them. He says I should not let my miscarriage ruin the good things in my life. And I know he is right. So everyday I visit the website, browse around, read about the few classes still available, the merchants that will be there, and think how much fun it is going to be.
But I have not bought my ticket yet.
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