Speechless

I was asked if I might want to talk to a couple that had  lost their twin babies in their second trimester.

I did not want to talk to them, but I felt I had to. We come from the same country and speak the same language. I wish I had had someone to talk to in my own language when I went through infertility and miscarriage. And so, I went and talked to them. It did not feel good. It was sad and discouraging and overall extremely depressing, but they seemed to be grateful I was there for them, listening, sharing and crying with them.

Unlike me, they are citizens, and are legally allowed to adopt. But they decided to try foster care first. This was before their attempt at IVF that resulted in pregnancy and miscarriage.

Well, foster care did not work out for them. They got a five year old with fetal alcohol syndrome who was extremely violent and difficult to deal with. They were constantly pestered by their three social workers, each with a particular point of view and interests. They found it extremely hard to keep up with the state's expectations on the child's care and what they were actually able to provide with the stipend they were given. They needed a tutor and a babysitter, and the child needed constant appointments with doctors, nutritionists, speech therapists etc, all of them exerting pressure on the couple, setting up goals that were unattainable and making them feel under too much pressure. After a few months, the state decided to give the birth mother yet another chance and the child was taken away from them. In spite of all the problems this child had brought into their lives, their hearts were broken, and they decided never to do it again.

And so, they moved on to IVF.

I did not know what to say. But then, there is nothing you can say that can cheer anyone up after a story like this. At least that much I know.

Second best is best

Dr Funny seems to think I should pursue adoption. It's what I am most comfortable with, even if it requires me to wait another three years. Of course, the spouse and I have to make this decision together and we're not there yet.

Meanwhile, I'm overcoming many of my own fears. One of them used to be that any child I adopted would have preferred to stay with her biological mom. For that child, I would always be second best. And wouldn't the child think she is also my second best choice, and that I would have been happier with biological kids?

Well, second best sometimes turns out to be the best. Take the spouse, he was not the guy I wanted to marry. No, the sweet boyfriend I wanted to marry was a handsome and kind guy I was very much in love with. Too bad we were both busy attending grad school in two separate countries. Oh, but we loved each other so much...

Then all of a sudden he stopped writing completely and all my attempts to reach out to him were unsuccessful.  I finally decided  to make an expensive and time consuming trip to the Central American jungle where he'd been conducting his research. I wanted to know if the guerrilla fighters had kidnapped him, or if the army had confused him with a guerrilla fighter and taken him into their custody, or if an alligator had eaten him, or if he had succumbed to dengue fever.

The truth was much less scary. The guy was living with another woman, a fellow researcher. Everyone in the fishing village near the river where they conducted their research thought they were married. I did manage to meet him, tell him what an idiot he was, wish him luck and a happy life and return to grad school in a pitiful state of mind.

I later met another handsome, kind guy, became friends with him, dated him and eventually married him after a few more years. That's the spouse. Under a strict definition he was second best.

But the truth is that my first choice did not deserve me and I am extremely lucky I got dumped. I now firmly  believe that no other person on this planet would make me as happy as the spouse.

I wonder if adopted kids feel that way about their parents. I hope they do.

Second Best?

One of the issues that worries me about adoption is the adoptee's feelings about being second best. The adopted child sooner or later realizes that her parents originally wanted a biological child, but they had to "settle" for adoption. Now, I am sure that I could love any child and care for her regardless of having a biological connection to her or not. The main issue here would be the child's feelings about the matter. How would I feel if I were an adopted child, and my parents had originally wanted someone else but had to settle with me instead?

In the case of the yellow dog, I knew perfectly well that I wanted a shelter dog just like her, no worries there on my behalf.

But what about the yellow dog's preferences? I know, she's just a dog, but I often wonder about her first owners, the ones that ruined her tail and made her so mistrustful of people. Based on what I know of dogs, she probably loved them anyway, because that's the way it is with dogs: They  love their humans, no matter what.

So basically, we are some sort of "second best" for the yellow dog, her first choice being the humans that never bothered to pick her up from the pound.

Under the risk of offending someone, I confess that this makes me think about foster kids. Their first choice would be, obviously, their biological parents.  If I were a kid's "second best", and  she my own "second best", would those two cancel each other out?

I adopted tofu, does that count?

I've been so caught up with house buying (or not) that I almost missed the mess about the PETA website and Infertility Awareness Week.

After taking a two  minute peek, I wish I had missed it entirely. Basically, PETA is happy to give away vasectomies to people who neuter their pets. So far, so good. The problem is that, by doing so, they are claiming to "honor" infertile people.

I can't find the logic in there, but I am not surprised: It's PETA. I don't expect them ever to be logical, much less to conduct a campaign in good taste. Even if I agree with many of the things they have to say, I'd never give any money to an organization that wastes it in offensive campaigns that alienate people to their cause.

In the meantime, PETA is far from apologizing and keeps talking about adoption. I wonder how many adopted kids the executive that wrote that statement has. The answer is: Probably none.

The logic of the regular breeder is as follows: "Since I am able to conceive naturally, there is no reason why I should adopt. You, unlucky infertile, cannot conceive naturally, so it falls upon your shoulders the task of adopting unlucky kids."

This of course oversimplifies what is a very complicated issue. I will not dwell on it right now since I have done it previously and probably will again in the future. All I am going to say is that, by the same logic, there's people who are perfectly able to purchase a cute puppy from a puppy mill. Why should they bother adopting a grown up pet from a shelter? Especially a pet like my own mutt, whose murky genetic origins resulted in funny looks, and who has been traumatized and as a result has a few undesirable behavior issues.

I just want to add that I did try once to follow what PETA calls a cruelty free lifestyle, but it proved too difficult, given that my PCOS diet dictates that I take protein in every meal. Having beans or bean products in every meal resulted in weight gain and indigestion, plus an overuse of the pressure cooker that ecologically minded people would not appreciate.

Hey, but at least I tried to follow a cruelty free lifestyle. I could probably ask PETA to also try not to be cruel to infertile people. But I guess they're going to tell me to just adopt.

Progress on two fronts

My depression is improving. I've been listening to a Tito Gobbi CD. One of the most tragic arias is when Rigoletto discovers that his daughter has been kidnapped and sold to the duke of Mantova, for whom he works as a jester.



And then it hit me: my own tragedies are much less operatic. At least I was not born a hunchback whose only possible job is to be a jester, and whose daughter ends up being kidnapped, sold, raped and finally killed. Somehow, miscarrying at 17 weeks does not seem THAT bad. I am planning on watching other Verdi operas. They might bring me some catharsis.

Another thing of interest happened today. We were talking about doggie daycare for the yellow dog. We had a week long free trial. If we do it everyday, the spouse will not have to come at lunch to give her a potty break. Also, more importantly, she will be playing all day with other dogs and be a bit more restful when we get back home. She basically sleeps all day when we are at work and that's why she wakes up at 3:00 am to romp around and play. During this week trial she was always exhausted at the end of the day and she woke up at 6:30 am everyday.

The spouse and I were discussing whether or not to indulge in this luxury every day of the week. His position is that, as long as I am working, I should not feel guilty for this expense. He digressed and mentioned that being able to give a loving, comfortable life to a mixed breed mutt from a kill shelter made him feel good. And then he added that maybe it would feel even better if we were to adopt a child in need.

I call that progress.

Yellow dog issues

I am tentatively declaring the yellow dog officially housebroken. Yesterday was her fourth day in a row without a single "accident". She also knows "sit" and "stay", and is making progress with "down" and "fetch".

She struggles with "come". She sometimes obeys the command, especially if a treat is involved. But more often than not, she sits at a safe distance and stares at me with mistrust. I swear, I never used that command to scold her in any way. Whatever the issue is, it comes from her previous life.

Her tail is a mess. It was shortened through a "traumatic event", according to the vet. She's all right now, and whoever groomed her left a tuft at the end of  her tail to dissimulate the deformity. I cannot help but wonder how it happened. Maybe someone went at it with a hacksaw or, in the best case, she had a horrible accident involving a heavy door.

If I ever adopt a child, will I also be worried silly about previous traumas, unexplained scars, medical history..? Do other potential adoptive parents have the same worries?

Even more PO

I bet you've heard by now of the Florida man whose adoptive daughter was found dead in a plastic bag, in the very same truck where his adoptive son was found, doused with unknown chemicals that almost killed him.

I don't want to link to that horrible story. It's bad enough that I read about it.

Who decided that this lunatic can be a parent? He has other adoptive kids. He also has at least one biological child, given that it was his biological granddaughter who alerted the authorities on the abuse he inflicted on the kids. The case worker came by, was not allowed to talk to the children, and happily left to enjoy life while the little girl was killed over the weekend, and her brother came close to being killed too.

Unlike this criminal and his wife, we are not worthy of becoming adoptive parents. Neither the spouse nor I are citizens. I could (potentially) adopt a kid in my own country, but I would not be able to bring her back to the US. Adoptive kids are not considered your dependents unless you've been their parent for at least two years. But staying out of the US for more than six months means having our green cards revoked, not to mention the spouse quitting what is a very good job, far from what he could find in his own country or mine.

So here's the thing, do I return forever to the place I left searching for a better life just so that I can become a mother? There's such irony in this..... I want to stay in the US because, among many things, it is a safer place to raise a family.

Another option is that one of us could become a citizen. We will have to wait until we have been residents for five years. That means that I'll be 44 by the time they allow me to apply. I am sure I would get it, but it bothers me that we would have to wait so long.

And then there's the spouse, who does not share my feelings about adoption. I don't want to keep raising the issue because, what's the point anyway?