Sorrow

I hate the news. Somehow I managed to not find out about the stupid guy who killed his kids and himself in Washington State.  But today I tried to catch up with what has happened during the week and BAM!, there it was. Horrible news, full of heartbreaking and infuriating details.

Whenever I read stuff like this, I remember my mother's words when she heard about my first miscarriage: "It was God's will".

To this day, these words haunt me when I hear these stories. Is this God's will too? is it?

I'm not an atheist, but being one might make things easier.

Yes, there's a reason

One of the stupid things people say to us infertiles is that God must have a reason not to make us mothers.

What reasons? Oh, they don't say, but when you are a depressive, self-deprecating infertile your imagination can supply them easily: I'll be a terrible mother, my kids would be criminals, they would be disabled, I will not be able to give them a decent life, I will probably come down with a terrible disease and they'll become orphans... you get the picture.

Well, yesterday in Houston a kindergarten boy was showing off a gun to his friends when it fired. He and two other kindergartners were injured, and the little boy will probably be expelled for a year, since that is the usual punishment.

How about the parents that left a gun where a 6 year old boy could find it? Will there be any consequences for them?

I don't know. I do know that God made them parents, but not me.

Frankly, I prefer to think that God is not really looking.

House progress

We reached an agreement with the seller. They got the termite company that treated the house two years ago  to deal with the termites again (we'll treat on our own later, as we certainly cannot trust this company after this). As for the repairs, we agreed to share the costs.

Today we signed most of the loan paperwork with the exception of one document that I was not comfortable with. Basically, on at least two other documents, we stated that this will be our primary residence and that we will move in no later than 60 days after the title is released to us. That is fair and gives us enough time to make some repairs and improvements. But this particular document stated that we needed to move in within 30 days. Not only that, but it said that if we didn't, we had to pay back the full amount of the loan immediately.

So I asked those 30 days to be changed to 60 like in the other documents, but the escrow officer was very impatient and said that I needed to sign the paperwork right away, in spite of the contradiction.  Actually, she initially insisted the document said sixty days, not thirty, and pointed to another part of the document that said we had to stay in that residence for at least 6 months. As if the number 6 somewhere else in the document magically turned 30 days into 60.

That pissed me off. Maybe she was trying to get away with this ruse just because I am Hispanic and speak English with a Spanish accent. Or maybe she would have tried this with anyone else, regardless of race or accent.

In any case, she  was very patronizing, telling me we were simply not going to get the loan if I did not sign right then and there, and that I should not really worry because it was very improbable that anyone would show up to check that we had actually moved within 30 days.

I explained to her that this was not about the chance of getting caught, it was about not lying or making promises I was not sure I could fulfill, and that made her even angrier.

Frankly, I don't think we are risking the loan not going through. We have been saving for years, we are putting down a 30% down payment, we have excellent credit scores and absolutely no debt, so I am sure the lender has good reasons to want our business.

And in the end, if we really have no choice, we could move in in 30 days. We just would prefer that all work on the house is done before we do, and that's why I am pushing for the 60 days. I think that is reasonable and also consistent with the rest of the paperwork.

We'll see what happens. Our closing date is April 26, and that could be extended. We rent on a month to month basis so we are not in a hurry.

Still, I wish I did not have to meet with that particular escrow officer again. I'm not good at dealing with people like her.

I adopted tofu, does that count?

I've been so caught up with house buying (or not) that I almost missed the mess about the PETA website and Infertility Awareness Week.

After taking a two  minute peek, I wish I had missed it entirely. Basically, PETA is happy to give away vasectomies to people who neuter their pets. So far, so good. The problem is that, by doing so, they are claiming to "honor" infertile people.

I can't find the logic in there, but I am not surprised: It's PETA. I don't expect them ever to be logical, much less to conduct a campaign in good taste. Even if I agree with many of the things they have to say, I'd never give any money to an organization that wastes it in offensive campaigns that alienate people to their cause.

In the meantime, PETA is far from apologizing and keeps talking about adoption. I wonder how many adopted kids the executive that wrote that statement has. The answer is: Probably none.

The logic of the regular breeder is as follows: "Since I am able to conceive naturally, there is no reason why I should adopt. You, unlucky infertile, cannot conceive naturally, so it falls upon your shoulders the task of adopting unlucky kids."

This of course oversimplifies what is a very complicated issue. I will not dwell on it right now since I have done it previously and probably will again in the future. All I am going to say is that, by the same logic, there's people who are perfectly able to purchase a cute puppy from a puppy mill. Why should they bother adopting a grown up pet from a shelter? Especially a pet like my own mutt, whose murky genetic origins resulted in funny looks, and who has been traumatized and as a result has a few undesirable behavior issues.

I just want to add that I did try once to follow what PETA calls a cruelty free lifestyle, but it proved too difficult, given that my PCOS diet dictates that I take protein in every meal. Having beans or bean products in every meal resulted in weight gain and indigestion, plus an overuse of the pressure cooker that ecologically minded people would not appreciate.

Hey, but at least I tried to follow a cruelty free lifestyle. I could probably ask PETA to also try not to be cruel to infertile people. But I guess they're going to tell me to just adopt.

Even more PO

I bet you've heard by now of the Florida man whose adoptive daughter was found dead in a plastic bag, in the very same truck where his adoptive son was found, doused with unknown chemicals that almost killed him.

I don't want to link to that horrible story. It's bad enough that I read about it.

Who decided that this lunatic can be a parent? He has other adoptive kids. He also has at least one biological child, given that it was his biological granddaughter who alerted the authorities on the abuse he inflicted on the kids. The case worker came by, was not allowed to talk to the children, and happily left to enjoy life while the little girl was killed over the weekend, and her brother came close to being killed too.

Unlike this criminal and his wife, we are not worthy of becoming adoptive parents. Neither the spouse nor I are citizens. I could (potentially) adopt a kid in my own country, but I would not be able to bring her back to the US. Adoptive kids are not considered your dependents unless you've been their parent for at least two years. But staying out of the US for more than six months means having our green cards revoked, not to mention the spouse quitting what is a very good job, far from what he could find in his own country or mine.

So here's the thing, do I return forever to the place I left searching for a better life just so that I can become a mother? There's such irony in this..... I want to stay in the US because, among many things, it is a safer place to raise a family.

Another option is that one of us could become a citizen. We will have to wait until we have been residents for five years. That means that I'll be 44 by the time they allow me to apply. I am sure I would get it, but it bothers me that we would have to wait so long.

And then there's the spouse, who does not share my feelings about adoption. I don't want to keep raising the issue because, what's the point anyway?

I'm PO

Remember my friend K? She's been working full time and paying for daycare. Her husband has not put a single penny towards that expense. In fact, his only contribution to the household is paying the mortgage, a hefty sum, but not even close to the sum of other expenses. He does this just to spite her, probably to give her one more reason to leave him.

She is about to make a major career decision that translates into a major pay cut. He, of course, is not supportive and will still not contribute towards daycare. This means that the kid might end up in granny's care, which is not ideal, given her advanced age and the fact that she cannot read or write.

He does not care. He would rather put his baby at risk than put a penny towards daycare. And he does not do this because he cannot afford it. Like I said, he just wants to upset his wife.  It is unbelievable, but for this madman, his major priority in life is to make his wife unhappy. That, and watching baseball. Everything else, including his child's well being (not to  mention a healthy relationship) is secondary.

So of course I was furious when she told me about it. I usually try to stay cool, knowing that there is always more than one side to a story, but this was too much for childless me. I was blabbering on about how he should be grateful to be a father, and that he should make everything he could for his baby, when I realized that I was probably the worst person to share this problem with. I cannot offer any solutions, and I am heavily biased against her idiot husband.

Infertility really messes up with my objectivity.