A new milestone

Guess who walked into a Babies R' Us today and actually enjoyed her shopping experience? Well, perhaps  enjoy is an exaggeration, but at least I did not hate it as much as I expected. I am sooo proud of myself... I bought a layette, a tiny dress and a couple of bibs, one of which is embroidered with two flowery owls and it says: "I love my Aunt".

All these are gifts for my sister in law, whose baby was born today. I am green with envy and crying with relief at the same time. Please note that I did not buy a single gift until the baby was born. This was a scary pregnancy with several ER visits and many months under the equivalent of house arrest, culminating with a C-section. I know a healthy baby is the best gift ever, and all my sister in law was hoping for. Still, knowing how horribly wrong this could  have ended, because I've been there myself, I feel that the mother really deserves something special. Any ideas?

My depressing little corner

Apparently, I don't feel like blogging when all is well, but as soon as stuff starts happening, here I come again. Pitiful, really.

So rather than complain about what is not going well, which is not that significant anyway, let me tell you I've really enjoyed the opera season this year in San Francisco. Additionally, I went to two operas in San Jose, and I even drove to Sonoma to see the Yankee Diva live (which makes it *FIVE* times that I see her live! Woooohooo!) And I can do all these things because I am not saving money for sending any kids to college, and I don't need a baby sitter, and so I have the time and the money to bring beautiful things into my life (or rather, haul my ass to where beauty is happening).

By the way, I've yet to see a fat lady with horns and braids on stage. I just chose that image because I know this is what pops into people's minds when they think about opera. When I saw Die Walküre I got a very modern production, with paratrooper Valkyries descending from above.

This Saturday I'm going to the opera again. It's going to be my third Tosca, and it will also be the third time I get to see Angela Gheorghiu live.

I like Tosca. Opera is full of stupid female characters who let stupid and horrible things happen to them. Horrible things happen to Floria Tosca too, but hey, she's willing to do something about it, fight back, get her hands dirty, kill the bad guy if necessary... oops, spoiler there.

Anyway. I've been thinking that those of us who are childfree not by choice tend to pour ourselves into a hobby, or a craft, or traveling... It's not a substitute for the children we don't have, it's simply happens that there are things we enjoy doing, and we do them because we can. Why not?

On marriage and hobbies

I met again with my faraway friend. I'm very lucky that she keeps coming to the Bay Area. She's even planning to return! I hope she does. This time, another friend we have in common also had dinner with us. It was difficult to schedule because, in addition to being a mother, she works full time.

A lot of our conversation revolved around marriage. We all got married at different ages, under different circumstances, but we all agree that marriage requires a lot of work on both sides to keep it going. At some point, the one who is actually a mother said it was kind of miraculous that the spouse and I are still together after all we've been through.

What can I say? I married a chess player. He's used to losing battles and moving onto the next one. Me? I am a knitter. When a project is not turning out as planned, I rip it down and start again.

Is that what keeps us going?

I'm the lucky one

Due to a big eczema flare on my hands, I have not worn my wedding band much. Sometimes I wear it on my right hand, which for some reason fares better.

And so the other two women in my team had not noticed that I was married. This also shows how little we talk to each other. Isn't it sad? In our defense, in the old building we barely saw each other. Now that the whole team is in the same area we communicate much more.

When I told them I had been married for nine years they congratulated me and told me I was very lucky to have found love and to still be together after so many years.  Neither of them mentioned kids. Both of them are single, probably not by choice. Perhaps for them finding love is already a huge gift.

The truth is, our marriage has gone through some major earthquakes, but somehow we've always managed to patch up the cracks and keep going. I do love my husband. I hate that he does not want to adopt or foster kids in need. I hate that he still wants me to go through yet another cycle. I hate that he never brings up the topic, it has to be me.

But you know what? There is nothing else to hate. Not even to dislike. And frankly, that is a very short list. The stupid things that used to bother me years ago, now make me laugh. There is, in contrast, too much to love, and too much to be grateful for.

I am lucky indeed.

Better things are coming

That phrase, in a nutshell, sums up what people mean, no matter what idiocy comes out of their mouth (God knows best, just relax, those treatments work miracles, you're still young, just adopt, etc).

I do not usually make a list on New Year because they tend to lead towards disappointment in myself. Why pile it up? But here's a good thing to try out: Each time I hear another person condescendingly throw one of those idiocies at me, I'll do my best to thank them, and repeat the above phrase in my head, because,  ignorance or disinterest notwithstanding, that's probably what they're trying to say anyway.

By the way...

... I was there. Yes, and I was pinching myself the whole time. I thought this would happen only after we'd both retired and spent our time traveling with whatever money we'd managed to save. But it's already happened, I saw an opera at La Scala, with a great tenor and my favorite mezzosoprano (in a soprano role!! She's incredible). I can die happy now.

Today I'll be seeing her again.

Am I lucky or what?

Gone!

Actually, we're not. But I find this very funny and thought I'd put it here while I'm on vacation. I plan on a big internet withrawal for more than two weeks, so I will not be reading blogs nor making comments for a bit. I'll still be thinking of everyone going through the pain of miscarriage/infertility, and wishing everyone happiness in spite of their burdens.

See you soon!

Pets vs. Kids

We recently gave a friend a ride and I felt the need to reassure him that he needn't worry about dog hair, since the yellow dog usually sits on a towel whenever she drives with us.

The conversation drifted towards the old dog, who did not shed, given that he was a purebred Poodle. And then we could not stop talking about our dead dog. The spouse and I told one funny anecdote after another and described his foolish habits and his vicious alpha-male temperament, in spite of which he had been a wonderful dog and we still missed him so much...suddenly I felt very foolish and made a comment on how he must be tired of listening to us talk endlessly  about a pet.

His reply? That it was preferable than listening to people go on an on about their kids.

So there.

My happy place

The Pacific Ocean overflowed the map. There was no place to put it. It was so big, rowdy and blue that it did not fit anywhere. That is why they left it in front of my window.
                                                                                   Pablo Neruda

Three follicles

I still have no internet at home. I am posting this from the library, and the picture was quite a challenge. I had my first scan today, and it showed a total of three promising follicles and, as usual, a bunch of tiny cysts. The doctor dedided to keep me going at the current dose. I'll be seen again this Saturday.

There's plenty of things that went wrong with the move, and that are wrong with the new house, but am very happy about having moved. No more stairs! No more hauling laundry across a parking lot! But the truth is, it is those three follicles who keep me smiling.

Going Native

We did a Garden Tour yesterday, visiting the gardens of people who have opted to plant native flora.

The spouse and I know nothing about gardening, though he has a surprising ability to identify trees, in spite of growing up in a 6th floor apartment  in a busy city.

I grew up in an even larger city, in a townhouse with a tiny lawn and a few geraniums. I have tried my hands with a few potted plants but that's it, so a garden seems a little overwhelming.

This was a way of getting inspiration for whatever we end up doing in the new house. Most likely, we will tackle more important things like termites, ducts and plumbing first.

That is, if the issue with the discrepant document is ever solved...

What love makes us do

We're still waiting to hear from the seller regarding the termites. Meanwhile, I finished the first project with some of the yarn I got in February. It's a hat for the spouse that he requested a long time ago.

Now the spouse is very understanding when it comes to dealing with my stash and random projects lying around our place, but he understands very little about knitting. He wanted a very thin hat (thus thin yarn, thin needles and hundreds of stitches) with a chess theme, but he wanted the hat knit in only one color. How do you provide contrast for the figures to stand out? I did my best. From this angle, you can barely see the bishop and the knight. The other four figures are distributed evenly around his head and they are as difficult to figure out as these two.

I was unhappy about making this hat from the very beginning, mainly because of the extremely thin yarn, but love made me finish it. He seems unhappy about the final results, but love makes him wear it with no complaints.

The toilet-shower orthogonality

These days have been all about the house, reading and signing papers and so on. We really liked this home, although it's got serious termite issues. We could go on with the sale and then spend a mint treating the house and repairing the damage. Or we could haggle a credit with the seller.

We could also walk away and look for another house.

Talking with the spouse, I asked him if this is really THE house, or if we should keep looking. Would we be happy elsewhere? Would we be happy staying in this two-bedroom apartment? It all boiled down to this: We would be happy anywhere as long as we are together, and we have at least two bathrooms.

We are simple people, aren't we? As long as toilet use and shower use can happen independently, we shall be happy.

Busy...

We already paid the deposit to the title company. We also paid for a general inspection and a termite inspection. We secured a loan, although I had to explain why my income was so low in 2010. Well, I only worked  a little over two months, then was on sick leave, then on extended sick leave and then I quit. I had just written that I quit for health reasons, but he spouse insisted I had to explain about the miscarriage.  He does not want anyone to think that I might have a serious illness. So there it was again, on paper, our little tragedy.

I need a beer, but I have to read the inspection reports and get some quotes from contractors. I knew this process was going to be  scary, but my, it's also exhausting.

Yesterday I found myself explaining to our agent the reasons why we stayed in this apartment for five years. Truly, this is a great place to live, bad memories aside. I should be grateful we were living in a nice and convenient place that also allowed us to save for a down payment. I am even more grateful that soon we'll be living in an even nicer place of our own.

Catharsis through tragedy vs good memories

 I mentioned on an earlier post that a Verdi aria from Rigoletto made me feel a little better. I also decided to watch a few more tragic operas to see if I could get the same effect.

So I went to the library and checked out not one, but two of Verdi's tragic operas.... along with a non tragic one by Donizetti: The Daugher of the Regiment.

I had seen that production in the SF Opera right after a failed IUI. We spent the whole weekend in San Francisco, ate in expensive places and went to two different museums, in addition to going to the opera and having a great time. I like Donizetti, and this particular production was very amusing. I don't think I had ever laughed so much at the opera as when I saw this production.

So I of course ended up watching The Daughter of the Regiment and remembering how much fun I had when I saw it live.

I never got to watch the other two. Which is all right. I have now to return all three to the library, and though I could check out the Verdi operas later on, it is nice to remember that laughter is the best medicine.

A house for us

After two years of kind of looking around, but not really trying very hard, we found a house that we like. We got a loan approval, an agent, and made an offer. We're crossing our fingers right now.

It's not a huge house, so it will not feel empty even if we never have the hypothetical kids. If we do, it has three bedrooms. It's in a neighborhood we like, that still allows the spouse to bike to work. The houses in that area are very old, mostly from the fifties. Nowadays people like bigger closests, larger bedrooms and open kitchens. This means that a lot of the houses in the area have been remodeled, and not always to our liking. We've seen quite a sample of horrors, like having to go through the kitchen in order to get to the master bedroom, having a pantry in the living room, or, the worst example, having a third bedroom that could only be accessed through the yard.

This one is simple enough and most of the work done involves simple upgrades, with no major surgeries done to the floor plan. So we're happy with this one, though we will still need to fix a few things. We did study this very carefully and we know we can afford this. But thinking of spending that much money gives me pause. As in "How many IVFs could I get done with that much money...?"

My convoluted career path in the US

More than five years ago, I moved to California from North Carolina. I was happy for the spouse, who had received a really good job offer, but I did not want to leave. I had a wonderful job that I loved, surrounded by nice co-workers that I could actually call friends. Not only that, but under the new conditions, my employment authorization was going to be voided: Students' spouses can work, but workers' spouses cannot. My employer in North Carolina would have undoubtedly kept me under my own work visa. I had been with them for a year and they were very happy to have me... but I was moving to another state.

Moving to California meant starting from zero, in a very competitive job market, where employers preferred hiring someone with a green card rather than wait for an applicant that needed to get a work visa after an offer was made.

Unbelievably, it happened. Not immediately, but eventually someone in California wanted to hire me. Of course, the union protested that the employer could not make a job offer if I was not authorized to work in the US. In turn, without a job offer, I could not request a work visa. The argument went back and forth for about five months... By then I had let go. I had been engaging in all sorts of cultural, recreational and educational activities, and, more importantly, going through my first serious steps in ART.

I had resigned myself to be a homemaker when the offer letter came in. I was able to get my work visa and finally begin working in California.

I had wanted for so long to be able to work again, especially in my area of expertise, that I tolerated too many things that were out of whack from the very beginning, and then got much worse. The job was far from ideal, but it took me more than two years to admit it. Still, without that job experience, I probably would not have been hired in my current job. Also, it is during those two years that I finally got a green card.

So what's the best job I've ever had in the US? My last job in North Carolina comes to mind. In addition to working with really nice people, I also used my lab skills and my language skills, and I was helping save people's lives, which always made me feel good even after really crappy days. I actually cried when I left.

But after infertility, I am glad I am not working there anymore. Not only was I surrounded by pregnant women,  I was actually present during more than a hundred vaginal deliveries and C-sections. I shudder to think of myself doing that again.

And you know what? I am very happy to be in Northern California, where immigrants and mixed marriages are quite common, where all sorts of languages are spoken in public places, and where the weather is never too hot or too cold. There's the earthquake risk and the housing prices, but those are the only two disadvantages that come to my mind right now.

I have to admit that, in spite of all the shitty stuff in my life, it does seem that someone out there is looking after me.

The little details

I posted a comment on a miracle for us about me asking the spouse to trade seats with me so I would not have to sit next to a pregnant woman during a concert. He would have done it, but in the end it was not necessary since the lady herself changed seats. Still, he rolled his eyes when I asked.

In reality the spouse is quite a thoughtful guy. He was browsing on amazon and saw a pillow that I would love, since I sometimes experience acid reflux and this pillow allows me to sleep with my upper body at an angle. He ordered it right away without even asking if I wanted it.

I also mentioned two days ago that the headphones I use when I practice piano on my electronic keyboard are falling apart, and he ordered me a pair of expensive noise canceling headphones that same day. In reality my objective is not to make any noise for him and not the other way around, but he likes pampering me.

It still puzzles me that he valiantly sails through our fertility woes without being touched by grief. It's almost as if he had some sort of teflon armor, so whatever you throw at him slides off easily. Given that this includes my anger and grief outbursts, I should actually think of it as a blessing.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Yesterday was, overall, a very good day. I finally got my feast of  raw oysters and mercury laden swordfish, washed down by birth defect causing beer. This was my negative HPT celebration, long overdue.

I also brought the yellow dog to the dog park, made great progress socializing her and got great tips from other dog owners about stopping her barking to strangers. I even met an extremely friendly guy who had learned Spanish in Guatemala and wanted some practice.

I later checked out this book from the library, thinking it would help me understand some of the yellow dog's behaviors and deal with them. It's nothing serious, it's just her barking to strangers and some of her rough playing. We've made some progress but I wanted some additional pointers.

After the library, I went with the spouse to a coffee shop and began reading. A few pages into it, I started crying. Later, reading at home, it happened again.

Let me tell you, this is no tear-jerking story, it's just a dog trainer narrating her experiences with service dogs. Some of the anecdotes are very sad and have made me think of my own loss.  Normally I am good at not crying when the spouse is around, but this time I really could not help it.

I feel like a wuss. The stories themselves prove that there are worse losses than mine. I know many bloggers have had multiple losses, while I only had one miscarriage. Why can't I just move on and be grateful for the good things in my life?

I wonder if I ever will be able to read a book or watch a movie without the sad emotions surfacing and taking over me. It's got to stop, but I don't know how.

For now, I think, I am going to read Calvin and Hobbes.

Fun with genetics

According to 23andMe, I have a slightly higher than average risk of bipolar disorder, heart attack and retsless leg syndrome. Other than that, nothing serious. The bipolar part is interesting. Would that explain my bouts of depression? I don't think I've ever been through a manic episode, though. I do know that SSRI's (like Prozac) are not for me.

I already knew that my maternal haplogroup was Asian. Which is not surprising, 85% of us Hispanics have an Asian maternal haplogroup. Still, looking at the rest of my DNA, in addition to South American ancestry, I also have lots of European Blood, along with some African and Asian. I am a carrier of Bloom's syndrome, a very rare disease. One quarter of reported cases are Ashkenazi Jews. Could there be some Jewish DNA in me? Maybe. The important thing is that I am truly mixed!

I feel closer to my dog now. Given that pet insurance is cheaper for mixed breeds versus purebreds, I should consider myself lucky.

Another thing 23andMe told me was that I have the typical odds of developing PCOS, based on one locus, and slightly higher odds of developing PCOS based on a second locus that has also been linked to the condition.

In other words, I paid 200 dollars to be told what I already knew. It is fun though, and I will be spending many hours at their website looking at my DNA quirks.