Monday, January 24, 2011

K's story

At some point, about three years ago, I was exhausted and wanted to stop trying to get pregnant. At about that time, one of my friends  broke up with yet another boyfriend. She was heartbroken.

Like me, she had always wanted to find a great guy and have kids. But the great guy failed to show up for her. We were both in pain for different reasons, but still tried to give each other support. It was hard, since we live so far away from each other and only communicate through chats, emails and phone calls.

And then she met Mr. Not-Quite-Right. He also had a dream of finding a great woman and having kids. Other than that they had nothing in common, unless you count the fact that they both thought that getting engaged after dating for three months was a good idea.

So my friend is now Mrs. NQR. They still have nothing in common except a beautiful baby they both love maddeningly. But they don't seem to love each other anymore. K tells me that she still wants to stay married to this guy, basically for the sake of her child. Mr. NQR does not seem to enjoy her company and avoids her as much as he can. When he's at home, he either lavishes the baby with attention while ignoring his wife, or he sits in front of the TV, oblivious to the world.

To make things worse, she has migratory issues, in the sense that if her marriage fails she might be denied a green card and be deported, leaving her baby behind. Which pisses me off, since up until her marriage she had a perfectly good work visa and never had a problem entering or staying in this country. K is in pain. She needs support and advice.

I have no idea of what to suggest. And I am feeling very guilty, because now I often find myself thinking: "At least I have a green card, at least I have a loving husband and no marital problems..." Almost as if I were using her horrible situation to feel better.

But of course, I only feel worse.


  1. I think the same thing at times when I look a one of our single mom friends, but at the end of the day, it doesn't help me feel better either. I am so confused why a failed marriage can affect that! Can't she become a citizen because they are married? And to lose her child! That is crazy! Somestimes I don't understand life at all. Wish her luck for me and I'll say prayers :)

  2. I think it is important to remember that we are all entitled to our pain. There are always people who have it worse, but that does mean that we have it easy. I have no real advice for how to deal with your friend other than just listening and being there for her.

  3. Yep, all I can do is listen to her. She cannot get citizenship until she's been a resident for five years (same applies to me, btw). Right now she's not even a resident, basically she's in limbo until her green card gets approved. Depending on which country you're from it takes longer. In her case, it's been more than two years. Even if she gets it soon, if her marriage lasts less than three years her green card will be taken away.