Saturday, January 8, 2011

Taking a break... by working?

After last Monday's follicle scan, my doctor suggested moving onto FSH. Frankly, I don't think my ovaries can take any stimulation after these past three months of increasing doses of clomid. The scan showed multiple cysts on both ovaries, in the typical "string of pearls" pattern.

So I asked for birth control pills. Over the years, that has been the only way for me to get rid of the cysts, the discomfort, and the uncertainty about my crazy periods. I know, boy DO I KNOW that at 41 I should not waste more time. But I need a break from this infertility craziness. I want to focus on the present and be thankful for the blessings I already have and I normally take for granted.

One blessing is the new job I am starting soon. I don't want to start a new job and deal with the stress of spurious doctor appointments, FSH injections in public bathrooms, and the cover stories for missed hours of work. And I am not even thinking about the possibilities of a pregnancy.

I need this job. And not because of the money, although if we keep going down the infertility path we are going to need lots of that too. But what I really need now is a purpose in life. Even my dog died less than a month after the miscarriage. I honestly cannot be happy simply being someone's spouse. Oh, I love the spouse, and he loves me, and all this shit has made us stronger, just like the saying goes. But I want to put my knowledge to good use and use my brain in a productive way, and I want to be happy about this new opportunity instead of moping about what I do not have.

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