Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Novus amor est quod pereo

I took that verse from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana. It means that new love is to die for. But what about old love, when years have passed and things have changed? B made me think about it.

B was in her fourties when she unexpectedly got pregant with her fourth child. It was during her first pregnancy check up that something wrong was detected. Soon after, she was told that she had cervical cancer and she needed to terminate the pregnancy. But by then she was in love with this baby, and she was willing to put off all cancer treatments until he was born. In other words, she was willing to risk her life for this new love.

B gave birth to a healthy baby boy through a C-section, after which she had a hysterectomy and started aggressive chemotherapy. Her cancer is in remission. More than 20 years have passed.

Last time I had lunch with her, she complained bitterly that her useless kids lived at her expense, sucking her blood like parasites, never helping out with housework and not contributing a single cent to the household. Her youngest boy, the cancer baby, had still to complete his GED and he had all the indications that he, too, was not going anywhere in life.

I asked her what she thought would be best, thinking that maybe she needed to ask the older siblings to pay rent or help out with some bills. Her answer? "I want them all OUT!!!! It's time for me to enjoy life!!! I should not have to worry about lazy bums partying all night and coming back home drunk!!!"

Basically, she would prefer that they all disappeared from her life. I suspect she does not really want that, but just the fact that she said it out loud tells me a lot about "old love".

I loved my baby the moment I saw a heartbeat, and I would have died for him. Would I still want him around me 20 years from now? I want to say yes, because my love for him was so strong that I really wanted to die after he was gone. I tell myself that he would have been a good student and a productive person, just like his parents. But what do I know?

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