To BCP or not to BCP

I got myself a new RE. I did not make an appointment well in advance, as I should have. And so, she will not see me until this BCP cycle is over.

My fault, really. I should have hurried up, but alas, I've been very busy with the new house (it's ours now!) and preparing the move, so I kept that in the back burner and now... well. Another wasted month.  OK, NOT wasted, NOT wasted, we're in recovery, we needed a break, we needed to think things through, etc.

I thought really hard about whether or not to continue taking BCP for another cycle while I wait for the appointment. I function better when I take them, but I do not want to jeopardize any tests or what I hope will be a following ART cycle.

And then, for that same reason, I don't want to give my ovaries another chance to develop cysts. I am really crossing my fingers and hoping that the cysts will be gone by now. Staying on the pill will certainly prevent more cysts from forming.

Luckily, I don't have to go to Dr. Mediocre for another BCP prescription. Back in January he prescribed the usual 12 refills. The antidepressants are another issue entirely: My prescription runs out really soon. I started tapering myself off with Dr. Funny's approval.

And in the meantime, to cheer myself up, I made a pair of socks to wear at my next RE appointment:

Due to socks being the only item of clothing one can wear from the waist down while riding the stirrups, I like really clownish and colorful ones. They make me feel a little bit less exposed.

Easter

Today the spouse and I stayed home, brunched late, packed a few things and deliberately missed going to church. Why? Because I grew up in a place where Christianity was all about Easter. There was no holiday more important than the Resurrection of the Lord. It was, perhaps, too theatrical and full of unnecessary bells and whistles, but still, that's what I grew up with.

And so I can't stand Easter being turned into a chocolate egg binge forced upon young children by fertility symbols such as bunnies or young chickens. Oh, there will be a regular service, of course, but the normally empty pews will be filled with impatient children eagerly awaiting the egg hunt that will follow, during which their parents will sip coffee and munch on doughnuts and sweets.

I know, I know. I sound horribly bitter. But this holiday combines for me homesickness, my yearning for children and a real challenge regarding my carbs. Have I mentioned before that the only sweet thing I cannot resist is chocolate?

A friend took pity on me and invited me over for dinner. I hope Easter eggs are not on the menu. Wait. Maybe one egg is not that bad... Right?

Yes, there's a reason

One of the stupid things people say to us infertiles is that God must have a reason not to make us mothers.

What reasons? Oh, they don't say, but when you are a depressive, self-deprecating infertile your imagination can supply them easily: I'll be a terrible mother, my kids would be criminals, they would be disabled, I will not be able to give them a decent life, I will probably come down with a terrible disease and they'll become orphans... you get the picture.

Well, yesterday in Houston a kindergarten boy was showing off a gun to his friends when it fired. He and two other kindergartners were injured, and the little boy will probably be expelled for a year, since that is the usual punishment.

How about the parents that left a gun where a 6 year old boy could find it? Will there be any consequences for them?

I don't know. I do know that God made them parents, but not me.

Frankly, I prefer to think that God is not really looking.

The baby-ready room

This is a blurry picture from the listing of the house.  As you can see, we have a baby-ready room, though no baby.

This will be the only room where we'll be painting. We don't like the colors and we want to turn this into a craft room for myself, at least for now. It will also be a guest bedroom.

Somehow, not taking advantage of this paint-job makes me feel wasteful. If we get lucky with the FSH cycle and get pregnant, we could leave the room as it is, especially if we get a girl.

On the other hand, if we don't get pregnant, this room will be a reminder of unfulfilled dreams.

So it's settled. We're painting. Any color suggestions will be accepted.

Going Native

We did a Garden Tour yesterday, visiting the gardens of people who have opted to plant native flora.

The spouse and I know nothing about gardening, though he has a surprising ability to identify trees, in spite of growing up in a 6th floor apartment  in a busy city.

I grew up in an even larger city, in a townhouse with a tiny lawn and a few geraniums. I have tried my hands with a few potted plants but that's it, so a garden seems a little overwhelming.

This was a way of getting inspiration for whatever we end up doing in the new house. Most likely, we will tackle more important things like termites, ducts and plumbing first.

That is, if the issue with the discrepant document is ever solved...

House progress

We reached an agreement with the seller. They got the termite company that treated the house two years ago  to deal with the termites again (we'll treat on our own later, as we certainly cannot trust this company after this). As for the repairs, we agreed to share the costs.

Today we signed most of the loan paperwork with the exception of one document that I was not comfortable with. Basically, on at least two other documents, we stated that this will be our primary residence and that we will move in no later than 60 days after the title is released to us. That is fair and gives us enough time to make some repairs and improvements. But this particular document stated that we needed to move in within 30 days. Not only that, but it said that if we didn't, we had to pay back the full amount of the loan immediately.

So I asked those 30 days to be changed to 60 like in the other documents, but the escrow officer was very impatient and said that I needed to sign the paperwork right away, in spite of the contradiction.  Actually, she initially insisted the document said sixty days, not thirty, and pointed to another part of the document that said we had to stay in that residence for at least 6 months. As if the number 6 somewhere else in the document magically turned 30 days into 60.

That pissed me off. Maybe she was trying to get away with this ruse just because I am Hispanic and speak English with a Spanish accent. Or maybe she would have tried this with anyone else, regardless of race or accent.

In any case, she  was very patronizing, telling me we were simply not going to get the loan if I did not sign right then and there, and that I should not really worry because it was very improbable that anyone would show up to check that we had actually moved within 30 days.

I explained to her that this was not about the chance of getting caught, it was about not lying or making promises I was not sure I could fulfill, and that made her even angrier.

Frankly, I don't think we are risking the loan not going through. We have been saving for years, we are putting down a 30% down payment, we have excellent credit scores and absolutely no debt, so I am sure the lender has good reasons to want our business.

And in the end, if we really have no choice, we could move in in 30 days. We just would prefer that all work on the house is done before we do, and that's why I am pushing for the 60 days. I think that is reasonable and also consistent with the rest of the paperwork.

We'll see what happens. Our closing date is April 26, and that could be extended. We rent on a month to month basis so we are not in a hurry.

Still, I wish I did not have to meet with that particular escrow officer again. I'm not good at dealing with people like her.

Second Best?

One of the issues that worries me about adoption is the adoptee's feelings about being second best. The adopted child sooner or later realizes that her parents originally wanted a biological child, but they had to "settle" for adoption. Now, I am sure that I could love any child and care for her regardless of having a biological connection to her or not. The main issue here would be the child's feelings about the matter. How would I feel if I were an adopted child, and my parents had originally wanted someone else but had to settle with me instead?

In the case of the yellow dog, I knew perfectly well that I wanted a shelter dog just like her, no worries there on my behalf.

But what about the yellow dog's preferences? I know, she's just a dog, but I often wonder about her first owners, the ones that ruined her tail and made her so mistrustful of people. Based on what I know of dogs, she probably loved them anyway, because that's the way it is with dogs: They  love their humans, no matter what.

So basically, we are some sort of "second best" for the yellow dog, her first choice being the humans that never bothered to pick her up from the pound.

Under the risk of offending someone, I confess that this makes me think about foster kids. Their first choice would be, obviously, their biological parents.  If I were a kid's "second best", and  she my own "second best", would those two cancel each other out?

What love makes us do

We're still waiting to hear from the seller regarding the termites. Meanwhile, I finished the first project with some of the yarn I got in February. It's a hat for the spouse that he requested a long time ago.

Now the spouse is very understanding when it comes to dealing with my stash and random projects lying around our place, but he understands very little about knitting. He wanted a very thin hat (thus thin yarn, thin needles and hundreds of stitches) with a chess theme, but he wanted the hat knit in only one color. How do you provide contrast for the figures to stand out? I did my best. From this angle, you can barely see the bishop and the knight. The other four figures are distributed evenly around his head and they are as difficult to figure out as these two.

I was unhappy about making this hat from the very beginning, mainly because of the extremely thin yarn, but love made me finish it. He seems unhappy about the final results, but love makes him wear it with no complaints.

My aunt, the sociopath

Yesterday, having coffee with the spouse, we ended up talking about my family. The spouse dislikes my aunt as much as everyone else in the world, but believes I exaggerate when I call her a sociopath.

She is the kind of person who, if she can find one way to annoy you, she will, for no reason, no matter who you are. She can be mean to her family, her friends, complete strangers... anyone, really. According to the spouse, that does not necessarily mean she is a sociopath. Sociopaths are unable to love anyone, and she seems to be very protective of her family. The truth is, she defends her own interests as if it were in the sake of her own family, but still treats them like shit.

So I told my husband about the most shocking story about  my aunt: Her youngest child was born premature and spent two months in the NICU. What did my aunt do? She went on vacation to Hawaii. Why spend her days wasting her time in the NICU, not knowing if her baby was going to live or die? Better to have her mind off the issue while having fun at the beach.

I also told him about the time when my grandmother, her own mother, was in the hospital dying. My aunt went on a cruise to the Caribbean and took her kids with her. I remember my cousin crying, begging to be allowed to stay, to no avail. Our grandmother died while they were away.

I think I kind of convinced the spouse that  my aunt is pretty much incapable of loving anyone. I mean, if you cannot love your own child, I guess everyone else is pretty much out of luck too, including your mother.

One important thing I've learned from her is that you cannot always count with either the love of a mother to her child, or vice-versa. Certainly not a consolation prize for a childless woman, but still something to ponder.

Another even more important thing I have learned is to stay away from her. I have not seen her in more then eight years.

I adopted tofu, does that count?

I've been so caught up with house buying (or not) that I almost missed the mess about the PETA website and Infertility Awareness Week.

After taking a two  minute peek, I wish I had missed it entirely. Basically, PETA is happy to give away vasectomies to people who neuter their pets. So far, so good. The problem is that, by doing so, they are claiming to "honor" infertile people.

I can't find the logic in there, but I am not surprised: It's PETA. I don't expect them ever to be logical, much less to conduct a campaign in good taste. Even if I agree with many of the things they have to say, I'd never give any money to an organization that wastes it in offensive campaigns that alienate people to their cause.

In the meantime, PETA is far from apologizing and keeps talking about adoption. I wonder how many adopted kids the executive that wrote that statement has. The answer is: Probably none.

The logic of the regular breeder is as follows: "Since I am able to conceive naturally, there is no reason why I should adopt. You, unlucky infertile, cannot conceive naturally, so it falls upon your shoulders the task of adopting unlucky kids."

This of course oversimplifies what is a very complicated issue. I will not dwell on it right now since I have done it previously and probably will again in the future. All I am going to say is that, by the same logic, there's people who are perfectly able to purchase a cute puppy from a puppy mill. Why should they bother adopting a grown up pet from a shelter? Especially a pet like my own mutt, whose murky genetic origins resulted in funny looks, and who has been traumatized and as a result has a few undesirable behavior issues.

I just want to add that I did try once to follow what PETA calls a cruelty free lifestyle, but it proved too difficult, given that my PCOS diet dictates that I take protein in every meal. Having beans or bean products in every meal resulted in weight gain and indigestion, plus an overuse of the pressure cooker that ecologically minded people would not appreciate.

Hey, but at least I tried to follow a cruelty free lifestyle. I could probably ask PETA to also try not to be cruel to infertile people. But I guess they're going to tell me to just adopt.

The toilet-shower orthogonality

These days have been all about the house, reading and signing papers and so on. We really liked this home, although it's got serious termite issues. We could go on with the sale and then spend a mint treating the house and repairing the damage. Or we could haggle a credit with the seller.

We could also walk away and look for another house.

Talking with the spouse, I asked him if this is really THE house, or if we should keep looking. Would we be happy elsewhere? Would we be happy staying in this two-bedroom apartment? It all boiled down to this: We would be happy anywhere as long as we are together, and we have at least two bathrooms.

We are simple people, aren't we? As long as toilet use and shower use can happen independently, we shall be happy.