Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Second best is best

Dr Funny seems to think I should pursue adoption. It's what I am most comfortable with, even if it requires me to wait another three years. Of course, the spouse and I have to make this decision together and we're not there yet.

Meanwhile, I'm overcoming many of my own fears. One of them used to be that any child I adopted would have preferred to stay with her biological mom. For that child, I would always be second best. And wouldn't the child think she is also my second best choice, and that I would have been happier with biological kids?

Well, second best sometimes turns out to be the best. Take the spouse, he was not the guy I wanted to marry. No, the sweet boyfriend I wanted to marry was a handsome and kind guy I was very much in love with. Too bad we were both busy attending grad school in two separate countries. Oh, but we loved each other so much...

Then all of a sudden he stopped writing completely and all my attempts to reach out to him were unsuccessful.  I finally decided  to make an expensive and time consuming trip to the Central American jungle where he'd been conducting his research. I wanted to know if the guerrilla fighters had kidnapped him, or if the army had confused him with a guerrilla fighter and taken him into their custody, or if an alligator had eaten him, or if he had succumbed to dengue fever.

The truth was much less scary. The guy was living with another woman, a fellow researcher. Everyone in the fishing village near the river where they conducted their research thought they were married. I did manage to meet him, tell him what an idiot he was, wish him luck and a happy life and return to grad school in a pitiful state of mind.

I later met another handsome, kind guy, became friends with him, dated him and eventually married him after a few more years. That's the spouse. Under a strict definition he was second best.

But the truth is that my first choice did not deserve me and I am extremely lucky I got dumped. I now firmly  believe that no other person on this planet would make me as happy as the spouse.

I wonder if adopted kids feel that way about their parents. I hope they do.


  1. interesting perspective, I know that adoption is often the 2nd option but, as I am sure it is with your husband, I have never heard an adoptive parents describe their child as a consolation prize. I am hoping this plan gets more comfortable for you.
    sending lots of love to you

  2. I think adoption is a great thing. I know many people who have adopted and I even know some friends that are adopted. Their relationships are amazing. If you are interested here is the blog of someone I know who has adopted 3 kids from Ethiopia after having two of her own- their family is awesome!

  3. I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old. I would not have it ANY other way. My parents are my parents. My life is wonderful - they chose me. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if they hadn't chosen me. I feel like I'm more special than if I wasn't adopted.

    Even though I'm not at the point where I'm willing to think about adoption, I'm a HUGE proponent of adoption. It is a true act of love.