Guilt

Dr. Funny was one out of only three choices my insurance company gave me. He specializes in marriage and family counseling. Another therapist specialized in children and the third one in sleeping disorders. So I chose Dr. Funny.

When I met him, I was convinced things would not work out. He must be in his seventies and, like myself, is a foreigner, although his ethnic group is more respected than mine. I did not think I'd have anything in common with this guy, but, given what little choice I had, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, but there are a few things his culture and mine share very well: For example, women typically marry  young and have kids right away. Women are expected to follow their husbands' or their fathers' decisions. And the guilt!, the guilt! Oh, he understands that perfectly well. Guilt is a big thing in his culture too. People use guilt to manipulate you and to get you in uncomfortable situations. Dr. Funny has a lot to teach me in this regard.

I felt guilty for not spending Christmas with my family. For not wanting to visit them. For not traveling with the spouse to visit his family.

According to Dr. Funny, why should I care? I had the worst year ever. My baby died and I almost died too. I had to quit my job due to unexplicable and scary health issues. I am scarred, depressed and in mourning.  I have a hard time taking care of myself, I cannot cater to other people's needs, much less listen to their useless advice or their clueless pronouncements on my reproductive health.

This sounds too much like the woman I do not want to be anymore. But it works: the guilt is gone. And I don't really feel sorry for myself. I had a rough time, I still have a long way to go, but I am recovering.

I'm glad I found Dr. Funny.

PS. Still not period