I work in analytical chemistry. I needed some information on a Passing Bablok regression and did a Google search. I got as far as "passing bab..." when I noticed that Google's helpful pull down menu included a "passing bablock regression excel" search term, and I clicked on it. Well, I thought I'd clicked on it, but in reality I clicked by mistake on the listing right underneath it. And the very first search result was, of course, someone asking how you can tell if you're passing the baby or just a bunch of blood clots.
And so I cried at work once more. Not too much, hardly anyone noticed, I think.
This stupid incident reminded me that:
a) I'm still very sensitive to the topic.
b) I used to have a blog where I whined about these things.
It's been a hard month. Even if it included the joy of meeting with very dear friends and family members, it also included the anniversaries of my two losses. It's been also a time of transitions and new challenges at work. The slow process of tapering off my antidepressant dose is not helping. I have not contacted Dr. Careful at all. I guess have no clue what I am going to tell her because really, I'd rather not go through another cycle.
For the same reason I find it hard to write about infertility. If I hate it so much, why am I so unwilling to do something about it?
I just wanted to send hugs your way and wish you some peace today. Your pain in palpable and I would do anything to be able to take it away from you. Be kind to yourself :)
ReplyDeletePearl - I'm so sorry for the irony of that search and the pain you felt from it. It must have felt like a dagger to the heart. Reminders of painful times in life come up in a flash but remain with us for longer. I hope that you can feel the sun on your face soon. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOuch. (Sorry it has taken so long for me to comment).
ReplyDeleteI could answer your last sentence in a number of ways, but the answers would be the answers I would give, not your own answers. I think too though that it is okay to hate something, but accept that maybe you hate the alternatives you'd have to go through more? Or to hate something - infertility - but accept that that is your life? It's okay to accept it, it doesn't mean you like it.
And please, if I'm barking up the wrong tree, ignore me totally!
Hugs- know where you're coming from- I'd be looking for something on google, and those triggering words show up. Heart-wrenching.
ReplyDeleteLike Mali, we could give you answers, but that answers may not be *your* answers. I'm newly infertile, childless not by choice, and I'm still not certain *why* I write about my experience.. I suspect I'll find my answers as you will, on our own time, our own space.