What if...?

February is the month where my pregnancy started to go horribly wrong last year. These days, I find myself trying not to remember it all and not think about it anymore, but I can't help it. I sometimes think I should have ignored Dr. Mediocre when he said I could go back to work if I stopped bleeding. I should have quit that stupid job at the first sign of alarm. I should have seen a perinatologist right away.

You can't win this game. It gets worse as I wonder if, before getting pregnant,  I should have seen another doctor who looked deeper into the complications of my bicornuate uterus or PCOS. And then I remember all the doctors I've been through already  and tell myself that I could not have done things differently.

It's very difficult not to hate myself or my body when I remember everything that happened. And so I try very hard not to remember.

Luckily I have a distraction.