More gratuitous Schadenfreude

This time around I don't feel so bad, because the object of my Schadenfreude is  a total stranger. I had coffee recently with a friend, one of my former co-workers from the job I quit two years ago. I never regretted that decision, but it must be said that by the time I left, my supervisor had decided to cut my load. The person who was hired in my stead had it sooooo much easier... until now, that is. Another worker was fired, things have been rearranged and the load on that position is almost as bad as when I left. So as much as I pity the person who has to perform miracles in just 40 hours per week, I feel quite smug about having left.

Meanwhile, I am leaving my current job. It's been almost a year and a half and I was still under contract, feeling much like a horse with a carrot tied to its head. So I'm happy I'm leaving, even if it makes me look like a person who keeps changing jobs. I just wanted a job with benefits,  like paid vacation, a 401 K and health insurance. By the way, the new job's insurance covers IVF. So nice of them, but no thanks!

For the first time in almost 10 years I am starting a new job without any pregnancy worries. You know what I'm talking about: When you're just married (and you don't know you're infertile) you worry you'll get pregnant right after you start working, even if you're not trying to, and look like an idiot. And later, when you are doing ART but you don't want people to know at work, its hard to explain all those doctor visits, and deal with all the side effects while staying functional.

This topic still causes a little tension with the spouse, but otherwise the fact that we are not trying to get pregnant anymore gives me a sense of peace and freedom... the freedom to commit to a schedule and not have to worry about cycling, checking my ovaries, mood swings, bloating, swollen legs... And more importantly, no more heartbreaking.

Another woman's sorrow...

Right now my friend K is going through a divorce. We all saw it coming, even before she got married, except her. She's not prepared for this, while her husband is well stocked with expensive lawyers and a list of complaints and accusations, all of them based on an exaggeration of reality, while she aimed from the beginning towards a "friendly" divorce... Is there such a thing?

The kid's at risk of ending up with a chauvinistic father who will teach him to hate all women, especially his own mother, and treat them all as dogs. With the added irony of my friend paying for child support.

I know my friend needs me, but I am spent. No matter what I say, I don't understand. I'm not a mother. I did not end up with a lunatic incapable of any empathy, and I don't  have to send money back home to my parents or to a sick sibling,  I don't have to pay for daycare and a separate rent after moving out from an abusive household, and on top of that find a way to pay for expensive lawyers. I've no idea what she needs from me at this point, except listening and saying how sorry I am.

And deep inside me, a perverse voice tells me to cheer up because at least I was spared all those horrors.

I feel terrible.

Ack. It's that day again.

Found on facebook:

Mother's Day according to Louis C.K.: "To me, you're not a woman til you had a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet. That's really when you become a woman, when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams."

Far be it for me to complain then, about dead people coming out of my vagina and ending up in the toilet, thus shattering my dreams.

You can't make this up

I work in analytical chemistry. I needed some information on a Passing Bablok regression and did a Google search. I got as far as "passing bab..." when I noticed that Google's helpful pull down menu included a "passing bablock regression excel" search term, and I clicked on it. Well, I thought I'd clicked on it, but in reality I clicked by mistake on the listing right underneath it. And the very first search result was, of course, someone asking how you can tell if you're passing the baby or just a bunch of blood clots.

And so I cried at work once more. Not too much, hardly anyone noticed,  I think.

This stupid incident reminded me that:

a) I'm still very sensitive to the topic.
b) I used to have a blog where I whined about these things.

It's been a hard month. Even if it included the joy of meeting with very dear friends and family members, it also included the anniversaries of my two losses. It's been also a time of transitions and new challenges at work. The slow process of tapering off my antidepressant dose is not helping. I have not contacted Dr. Careful at all. I guess have no clue what I am going to tell her because really, I'd rather not go through another cycle.

For the same reason I find it hard to write about infertility. If I hate it so much, why am I so unwilling to do something about it?

The other shoe dropped

Back in October, the spouse and I decided to try one more time for another FSH- IUI cycle. Not that I have any hopes that it'll work, it is simply that it might bring him closure. We were supposed to do it after our guests left, which happened early in January. I did not bring it up, he did not bring it up, I kept on taking my birth control pills and my antidepressant.

I was hoping he'd have forgotten about it. I don't feel like going through all that trouble again, especially knowing it will not work. Heck, I think I am even more afraid that it will work and I will end up having  another miscarriage. But I agreed to do it, so now that he finally brought it up I feel that I have to.

The interesting thing is, he had not mentioned it because he obviously perceived my reluctance. But the fact that he finally did means that, as much as he does not want to hurt my feelings, he feels this is important. Why, I've no idea. He's said a thousand times that he would not mind not having kids, and that has been one of his many reasons not to adopt.

At least he did not mention IVF. I'm not going there. Not now, at 42. I know my chances are higher with IVF but frankly, still pretty low.

Anyway, I am going to spend one week back home, so we cannot do anything until I am back. (He's not coming, he does not want to waste his vacation with my friends and family). I'll start tapering myself from the antidepressant and consult with Dr. Careful about the birth control pills.

She sent me an email, once. I wonder if she'll reply if I send her an email? I hope so.

Sorrow

I hate the news. Somehow I managed to not find out about the stupid guy who killed his kids and himself in Washington State.  But today I tried to catch up with what has happened during the week and BAM!, there it was. Horrible news, full of heartbreaking and infuriating details.

Whenever I read stuff like this, I remember my mother's words when she heard about my first miscarriage: "It was God's will".

To this day, these words haunt me when I hear these stories. Is this God's will too? is it?

I'm not an atheist, but being one might make things easier.

On marriage and hobbies

I met again with my faraway friend. I'm very lucky that she keeps coming to the Bay Area. She's even planning to return! I hope she does. This time, another friend we have in common also had dinner with us. It was difficult to schedule because, in addition to being a mother, she works full time.

A lot of our conversation revolved around marriage. We all got married at different ages, under different circumstances, but we all agree that marriage requires a lot of work on both sides to keep it going. At some point, the one who is actually a mother said it was kind of miraculous that the spouse and I are still together after all we've been through.

What can I say? I married a chess player. He's used to losing battles and moving onto the next one. Me? I am a knitter. When a project is not turning out as planned, I rip it down and start again.

Is that what keeps us going?