Wednesday, March 9, 2011

In memoriam

A year ago an ambulance took me to the ER, where I delivered a dead baby at 17 weeks 4 days, without anesthesia, after which I had two blood transfusions to make up for the heavy blood loss.

For some reason, I was impervious to grief and pain during the day. Maybe what happened last week gave me perspective. I knew it was ash Wednesday but I ignored it completely, just as I have been avoiding all religious ceremonies and traditions for almost a year, although I still had no meat today, go figure. In general, I was doing OK even after I got home.

And then I checked my email and there it was, a kind message from my mother, which opened the floodgates again.

In my last post, I complained about people diminishing my pain. Well, apparently, having my mother respect it and commemorate my baby's death is also not helpful, because I cried and cried and am still crying.

Or maybe my grief was just waiting for a good excuse to finally surface. Who knows? I will not see Dr. Funny until next week. I must remember to ask him what this all means.

6 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry for this tragic loss and for this sad anniversary. These kinds of losses leave long lasting scars on us, I wonder if they will ever go away. I actually kind of wish that it doesn't b/c I want to hold on to my baby just a bit longer.
    I am thinking of you and your sweet baby.
    sending lots of love your way...

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  2. There are no words to say how sorry I am for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

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  3. So so sorry that you are upon the one year anniversary of your loss. I can't even imagine how you are coping. For both of mine I was in early part of pregnancy 7-8 weeks along and miscarried naturally. At the end of this month is also the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. You are in my thoughts during this very difficult time...big hugs.

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  4. I'm so sorry. This is absolutely heartbreaking. Thinking of you...

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  5. I am so sorry. What a terrible, heartbreaking anniversary. You are in my thoughts.

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